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by Joan Collins
©Joan Collins. All Right reserved.
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Welcome Back
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It's so nice to be with you again. I hope you have enjoyed this glorious autumn. This month we're going to talk about setting personal boundaries. That means you'll learn how to tell other people what they may not do or say in your space. There are very few people who haven't struggled with this. It seems so risky to make requests and set conditions for those around us. We fear the consequences. Let's face it; we fear rejection. Yet if we don't tell people what we expect, we seethe in silence while the other person may be unaware of a problem. Sound familiar? Read on!
"On the human chessboard, all moves are possible."
Miriam Schiff
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Strong Boundaries = Best Possible Relationships
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Think of boundaries as imaginary lines of protection that you draw around yourself. Boundaries are about what others CANNOT do or say in your presence. If your boundaries are weak, you are likely to attract needy and disrespectful people into your life. It takes a lot of energy to live with weak boundaries.
On the other hand, healthy boundaries enable us to grow in trust and self-respect. Our relationships grow stronger and fear recedes as we see what is possible for us.
Let's Get Started - 5 Steps to Setting Boundaries
- Define the boundaries you need to set. Start with one or two key things that affect your quality of life. Perhaps there's someone who's constantly negative and affects your own mood. Perhaps a co-worker is forever interrupting meetings to take cell phone calls. Is clutter that others leave behind robbing your home of its peacefulness? Is someone in the habit of making cutting, "funny" remarks at your expense? Perhaps you have a friend who always calls to whine about her life, or a friend who's always late when you have a date to go out. Remember the tolerations that we talked about a few months ago? What are some of the big things you are tolerating that are the result of others' actions? (To review this newsletter go to www.joancollinscoach.com then go to Coach's Bench Newsletter and select the May issue, "What Are You Tolerating?")
- Inform the person involved. Always have this conversation when you are in a neutral though assertive frame of mind, in other words-not angry. Begin by saying something like, "I need your help with something." Chances are the person taking those cell phone calls doesn't know how irritating he is. Clutter at home gets to be a habit. So does negativity. Speak with love and mutuality, aimed at letting them know you want to have a great relationship with them. Another way of getting the conversation started is simply to say, "That doesn't work for me," when the offending action occurs. That powerful statement naturally leads to a conversation.
- Make a request and get a commitment. After you've informed the offender of what doesn't work for you, go on to request that the undesirable action stop at once, in your presence. For example if you have a friend who is habitually late, you might say, "Jane, when you are late for our meetings, it upsets me. I rearrange my schedule so we can be together, and then I waste valuable time waiting for you to show up. I must ask you to respect my time by being on time in the future." Don't let the conversation pass without getting a commitment from that the other person will honor your request.
- Demand the boundary be honored when necessary. If Jane doesn't honor your request in the future, or won't commit to honoring it, it's essential to have a consequence ready. For example you might tell Jane that since she has failed to honor your request you won't be able to go out with her in the future.
- Walk away without rancor. When boundaries are set you must be detached from the outcome. In other words, boundaries are not debatable. You are not setting boundaries for anyone but yourself, after all. If the person honors your request, you've shown him or her how to respect you, and your relationship will improve. If boundaries are ignored, it signals a shift in the relationship. To keep integrity in your boundaries, you must act on the consequence and walk away. Time will tell how important the relationship is to the other person. If Jane, in our example, cares about seeing you, she will be on time in the future.
How will they know unless you tell them?
You may say, "I can't just throw my teenager out of the house or tell my wife I won't walk through the kitchen again." Perhaps not, although dramatic action can be highly effective. What you can do is communicate honestly about what you expect. Rodney Dangerfield's line, "I get no respect" is often true in family and business dynamics. We get no respect until we ask for it. When you allow yourself to become the family doormat-the one who brings home the check, or washes the clothes, or cooks the meals, then you need to teach family members how to treat you. When you make reasoned requests in the manner presented above, and they are ignored, it is a sign that your relationship is out of balance. You owe it to yourself to get to the bottom of the problem. Get counseling or coaching or both! This is important, because it's your life. You can choose to tolerate others' actions and behaviors, but then you own the choice. Make it YOUR decision.
Setting boundaries applies to all areas of life. Many of my business clients have been learning to set boundaries in their relationships with clients and employees. In one instance that meant getting clear about the scope of work that is performed and informing the public. In another it has meant preparing specific proposals and giving clients reasonable expectations with thorough, ongoing communication. A professional I know recently wrote and sent out practice standards (boundaries for the way he conducts his practice) to all of his clients. The results have been astonishing. Now that his clients know what he expects, missed appointments and late payments have dropped dramatically.
We are all guilty of thinking others see our world as we do. Not true! You are not surrounded by mind readers. No one sees things as you do. If you won't communicate honestly and with good will, how can you hope to have smooth-running relationships?
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What's News
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Watch the Southeastern Mass Business Journal for my monthly column. You can find it online at www.thebizjournal.com.
My Attraction Class is now in its third week, with lots of lively participation. I plan to offer another session this winter, so watch The Coach's Bench for announcement of time and place. This class filled quickly, so if you're interested in signing up, let me know at jcollins@joancollinscoach.com.
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A Word About My Practice/ Contact Information
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My coaching practice is nearing capacity. I am, however, looking for four more clients who are ready to accelerate their life's ambitions or to remove obstacles that are blocking progress. I do offer free sample sessions, so if you're curious about what it would be like to be coached, call me at 781-934-6804 or email jcollins@joancollinscoach.com. To understand more about the coaching process or the services I offer, visit my web site www.joancollinscoach.com.
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