Saying yes when you want to say no is so common that we seldom stop
to consider that we have options. Saying yes is a natural extension
of childhood when you were rewarded for doing as you were told. Then as
you grew older you were socialized to acquiesce. In fact you were rewarded
for saying yes, and once you emerged from the developmental struggles
of adolescence, you realized that life is simpler and easier when you
go along with others’ wishes, even if it makes you resentful. Another
message you likely received, especially if you are a woman, is that good
people put others’ wishes ahead of their own.
How often do you say yes when you want to say no? How often have you
said yes to being on a committee when you really didn’t want to?
How often have you worked late when you wanted to say no for once? When
have you gone to your in-laws for Thanksgiving when you really wanted
to stay home? When you stop to think about it, the list goes on and on.
I’ll bet you’ve said yes to something when you wanted to say
no within the past week.
We say yes because we fear losing friendships or status or a promotion.
We say yes because we are flattered to be asked; it makes us feel important.
We say yes because we’re afraid we’ll not be included in the
future. We say yes, because we take responsibility for others’ feelings
and we feel guilty saying no. In fact when we take responsibility
for others’ reactions we deprive them of the right to be responsible
for their own feelings, and nobody wins.
The Self-Denial Myth
The inability to say no gets lots of people into lots of trouble.
As I mentioned above, we are conditioned to be helpful and useful and,
well ‑ nice. We want to please; we want to be liked,
accepted, included; we want to avoid conflict; we want to make everyone
happy; we want to be a great father, a good daughter. The list goes on
and on.
Then there is the myth that in order to be a really good person we need
to be selfless, always putting others’ needs ahead of our own. When
I teach my class, Attract What Is Good Into Your Life, I begin by talking
about the need for self-care and how different that is from being selfish.
Selfish means we think about no one but ourselves. Self-care means we
take care of ourselves so that we can be our best. In the process, those
around us benefit. Think of the oxygen mask in the airplane. We are told
first to put on our own mask before helping others. Is that selfish? Hardly!
If we don’t survive we are no good to anyone else. That’s
the principle of self-care in a nutshell. It is also the basis for saying
no.
The Price of Saying Yes, Yes and Yes
Show me someone who is frazzled, someone who is a human doormat,
someone who shows up at every meeting and serves on every committee, and
I’ll show you someone who has never figured out that they are good
enough. If you are this person, I’ll guarantee that you are in need
of some serious self-care. Instead of attracting good things, including
business and great relationships, you repel them by being over-booked
and over-wrought.
Saying yes when you want to say no often results in feelings of anger
and resentment and of being used. This can play out in non-verbal payback
such as silence and passive aggressive behavior. Little wonder you feel
resentful when all your time is spent trying to please. That leaves no
time for you to build reserves of time and energy in order to be who you
really are. It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t care about
him- or herself. Don’t let this happen to you. It is decidedly NOT
attractive.
When and How to Say No
Deciding that saying no is OK is the first step. Review your
situation right now. What are your priorities? What are you tolerating
that is driving you crazy? What makes you irritable? What simply must
go in order for you to be true to yourself and your priorities?
Get started by deciding what and who you need to say no to right now.
Let’s say you have been asked to chair the school fundraiser again
this year, and you cringe at the time it will take. Ask yourself this
question: What will happen if I say no? List all the consequences that
you imagine, then review the list to see how realistic they are. Don’t
be fooled into thinking that without you the fundraiser won’t happen.
Chances are great that someone else would love to step into your shoes.
Examine your feelings too. Does the fundraiser make you feel needed, important,
used, etc? Now decide whether this fundraiser is worth the drain to your
energy. If not, simply tell the truth: "I find that I am unable to
commit to this again this year." You owe no explanation other than
your statement of truth. Congratulations, you have just taken a huge step
toward self-care, and in the process you’ve gained respect from
others. Now that’s attractive!
Saying No to Others in Order to Take Care of Your Self
Now let’s look ahead. What will you do when your friend
asks you to join him for a ski weekend in February? You want to go, you
really do need a break, but you’ve learned it’s easier to
avoid conflict by saying yes to others who take you for-granted. For example,
your boys have hockey that weekend, your daughter usually asks you to
baby-sit, you should stay home and save money, your wife hates to ski
and won’t want to go, and so on. How do you say no to them when
it means breaking a pattern?
Here are the steps:
- Examine your priorities. What is best for you, and
consequently for those you love, in the long run?
- Imagine the consequences of saying no to those who will expect you
to say yes, your family.
- Play out the consequences. How real are they?
- What are your feelings about saying no to your family? How healthy
are the feelings?
- Ask yourself if saying no to the trip will make you harbor anger and
resentment.
- Decide what is best, and then tell the truth with love. When you say
yes to what you know is best for you in the long run, you will only strengthen
your relationships and gain respect.
Start saying no with little things, and then build up to the bigger
ones. You’ll be amazed at how much energy and self-respect you’ll
gain. And there’s an added bonus: when you clear out all the time-consuming
clutter by saying no, you make room for truly rewarding new relationships
and activities.
I’d like to hear your successes. Email me and let me know what
you successfully say no to over the next few weeks. Have fun with this.
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and
loss of personal power. If relationships and personal boundaries are a
problem, you’ll get feedback and tools to get on track. This combination
class/group coaching is geared to the needs of its members. You'll state
your desires and intentions in the beginning and then strategize about
reaching them.