by
Joan Collins
Remember
that back-to-school aroma, a pungent mix of newly waxed floors, Lysol and
chalk? Whether that conjures up good memories or bad, I'll bet it brings a
sense of energy. Autumn is a time of new beginnings even for adults. Back
from summer vacations, we're anxious to take on new work and career
challenges even as our families are gearing up for their own activities.
The
great American conundrum
So
you're just like the rest of us. Your day isn't just busy it's out of
control. You have a full day of work, maybe even a special project that
requires you to work late. Your daughter's soccer game is a must, but so
is the planning board meeting. Then there's that gym membership that
hardly gets used, the tennis match you keep rescheduling and, oh by the
way, your wife would like some company too. How can you do it all?
The
answer: we can't do it all, and yet we've been conditioned to believe we
can. This is, after all, America, land of opportunity, where with enough
luck, hard work, ingenuity and resilience we can have a heck of a lot. We
make huge demands on ourselves. We expect to have it all, and to most of
us that means doing it all. Then one day we look back and realize that
we've missed big chunks of living.
Where did summer go? How is it that little Mike has gone off to
college? When did Lizzie get
old enough to date?
We
get into this frenzied state because we're unclear about what we REALLY
want. It's easier to focus on what we don't want. We don't want to lose
our money, our property, our job, our social standing, our prestige, our
family's love, etc. What we don't want drives our fears, which in turn
drives us to feel that we must do it all.
What
do you want?
Would
you believe most people don't know what they want? What we have are some
vague thoughts about driving nice cars, owning a nice home or two, taking
great vacations, and generally keeping up with our peers. Specific wants
are hard to define, so it's easier to stay on the treadmill and move
toward a vague idea of "someday."
Try
this exercise: Think of what you don't want. I'm willing to bet everything
you think of makes you feel uneasy. Now think of what you DO want. What
values and legacy do you want to leave your children and grandchildren?
Picture yourself at the end of your days. What would make you proud? If
thinking about these things makes you feel happy and at ease, you've
likely struck on some of your true wants. Focusing on what you want is the
first step to getting your out-of-control life back on track.
Make
a pact with yourself to write down everything that you want for your life.
What is REALLY important to you? Do it soon.
Take
control of your priorities.
Once
you've completed that exercise you'll notice that some things stand out as
"musts" and others are merely "nice to haves." Now, redo your list placing
the most important items at the top. This doesn't mean that you'll be
giving up on items farther down the list. They can come later. If having a
great relationship with your spouse or children is a top priority, you may
find that breaking par will have to wait. If conserving open spaces is
part of your legacy, there are committees that need
you.
Prioritizing
allows you to eliminate unnecessary clutter from your life. If being on
the planning board has nothing to do with what you truly want in life,
then for heaven's sake eliminate it! If you hate going to the gym, and it
makes your commute crazy, drop it even if a healthy lifestyle is a high
priority. The stress is probably negating the benefit. Do something such
as yard work instead. Here's a big one: If your job or career isn't
satisfying, or if it's hindering instead of enabling your priorities,
you'll need to make some changes.
Sixty
hours to call your own
Look
at it this way: every week you have approximately 60 hours of
discretionary time, two-thirds of that is on the weekend. Take another
look at your priorities list and decide how you need to allocate that
time. If an activity leads directly to your legacy or gives you great
pleasure and satisfaction, by all means pursue it. If it has nothing to do
with what's important to you, let it go. Your relationships will improve
and you'll have a more peaceful life.
What's
important in finding a healthy work and family balance is creating win/win
situations where everyone understands the tradeoffs. You can coach your
family or spouse through some great discussions. Why not ask them to write
down what they truly want, then suggest they set priorities and get
focused. They'll soon see
that if they want to pitch for the Red Sox, they can't spend all their
time fishing and skate boarding. They have to balance their activities
just like you do. You can't make every soccer game, so you do what you
can.
Be
good to yourself - you're all they've got.
No
one should be giving up what they truly love. Sometimes parents and
spouses fall into this trap.
Self-sacrifice is unhealthy, the surest way to become angry, and
that's no may to bring balance to your family. If your love is sailing and your
family hates it, by all means make sailing part of the mix during your 60
hours of play. If quilting is a passion for you, find a way to make it
part of your life. No one wins if you are depressed or burnt-out. And
remember, no one gets to have it all right now. Why not leave some
interests to explore later on?
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