“The words ‘I am…’ are potent words;
be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you’re claiming has
a way of reaching back and claiming you.” - A.L.
Kitselman
Have you ever had the experience of listening to someone, and then feeling
drained and exhausted afterward? That happened to me at a recent meeting.
It was a gorgeous spring day, and I was feeling on top of the world. Then
a business acquaintance began telling me all the things that were going
wrong with a project he is overseeing. The litany of complaints went on
for more than twenty minutes before I could gracefully excuse myself. When
I walked away I felt as though the sun was no longer shining. I noticed
that my shoulders were slumped and I just wanted to sit down.
What we say has a powerful affect on our own reality. As I always point
out in my Attract What Is Good Workshops, we get back what we put out. If
we paint our world as a gloomy, no-hope kind of place, that’s what
we’ll experience. If we meet everyone we see with a complaint about
the weather or the kids or the state of world affairs, then we need to know
that we’re writing our own prescription for the way it will be for
us.
Why does this happen? Well, there are metaphysical explanations that have
to do with energy attracting like energy, an underpinning of the Law of
Attraction. But for those of you who are skeptical, I urge you to think
about your own responses to negative encounters with people and situations.
Are you drawn to them? Do you want to spend time with them? Do you come
away from them feeling energized and happy?
This is not to imply that people don’t have problems and a need
to blow off steam now and then. I also want to acknowledge that there are
plenty of problems in this world that need fixing. But I fear that the emphasis
on negativity that comes to us through the media and from our complex society
is becoming an epidemic. We watch terrible news night after night during
dinner; we fight for space on crowded expressways; we see signs of greed
and corruption everywhere and we feel guilty if we’re not fighting
mad about all the injustice on the planet. We have plenty of reason to complain,
but we need to ask ourselves how well negative speech serves us.
Try This Exercise
Here is an exercise I conduct at the beginning of my workshops. Name three
people (living or dead) that you truly admire, with whom you would like
to spend time. Then list the qualities those people possess that makes
them so attractive. What do they have, in other words, that you’d
like to share?
When we do this in a group setting the answers typically involve qualities
such as these: enthusiastic, positive attitude, problem solver, high integrity,
lighthearted, inspirational, humorous, passionate, committed, plucky, etc.
When I ask for attributes that are unattractive, negative attitude invariably
tops the list.
Does that mean we should never complain? Not entirely, but we certainly
do need to be listening to what we say. Some people adopt negativity (victim
hood in extreme cases) as their conversational default setting. And guess
what? These very same people have a lot to complain about. They can never
find a job or a suitable friend. Things never go their way. They have all
the bad luck. But is it luck? They get back what they put out. They
create their own reality. Think about it. Would you want to hire or hang
out with someone who drains you with their negative energy?
Thankfully most of us aren’t chronically negative, but we still
need to listen carefully to the things we say. Once I started listening,
really listening to myself, I was astonished by the negative things I was
hearing. Take the golf course for instance. Don’t laugh! How can I
expect to hit a great shot when I’m focused on the bad shot I just
hit, muttering about what a stupid game it is and how I always hit into
the woods on #5? With a negative feedback loop like that, I’m
setting myself up to fail. When I focus instead on my last great shot, on
the joy of being with friends and on admiring the beautiful fairway, my
game improves. Like attracts like. When we switch from focusing on what
is wrong to what is possible, a whole new world of possibility emerges.
Often negative talk is ego driven and therefore expressing a lack of love
and a thought pattern that is outdated and unproductive. When you truly
listen to your own negative comments, it is helpful to ask what is driving
the comment.
- Is it a habit?
- Is it the expression of a self-limiting belief?
- Is the statement coming from fear?
- Is it the expression of a need to be heard? Accepted? Included? (You
name it.)
- Is the complaint really directed at yourself and your situation?
- Is it a reflection of how you feel about others?
So if you want to attract good things into your life, scrub those negative
statements right out of your language, and focus on what is working and
what you are grateful for. That opens up a whole world of possibility.
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