“Why
not be oneself? That is the whole secret of a successful appearance. If
one is a greyhound, why try to look like a Pekingese?” -Edith
Sitwell
“The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere.”
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh
One recent evening on Kauai my husband, daughter and I sat looking out
over the blue Pacific, waiting for sunset and the elusive green flash. Suddenly
we heard laughter, no cackling, coming from the beach below. We walked closer
to see what could possibly be so funny. There in the surf break, where crashing
waves toss foam up on pink sand, were two portly ladies rolling and rollicking
like children.
Clearly they had abandoned all inhibitions to the joy of the moment. Every
time a new wave crashed ashore, they were tossed every which way, and when
the wave receded, they allowed themselves to be sucked out along with it.
Their laughter, their abandonment to the energy of the waves and their
giddy fun was infectious. In no time we were laughing with them, and soon
others along the beach started laughing too. All that unselfconscious joy
was immensely attractive. Hardly stereotypical bathing beauties, they
were stunning in their authenticity.
Their lack of pretense was beauty personified. Who knows what they are
like in everyday life, but in those sunset moments they gave us a glimpse
of what it means to be real in a world that prizes perfect bodies and bottled-up
emotions.
Are You Living Your Life or Someone Else’s?
Have you ever gone to a function where you want to ask for a time
out? I have. Sometimes I simply want to say, “Let’s all just
strip down to our real selves!” I suspect each of you has
felt that way at one time or another. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to
feel genuinely connected to your self and everyone around you? Wouldn’t
it be energizing to let down your guard and just enjoy being you?
It has been my privilege, through my coaching practice, to know many wonderful
people. Sometimes, when we begin our work together, they find that
they have lost touch with their authentic selves. When that occurs
they are unable to enjoy life to the fullest, because they may have been
living bits and pieces of others’ expectations and dreams.
We all need to be on the lookout for that lack of authenticity. It’s
tricky. We think we’re working toward what we want out of life, but
sometimes that is an illusion. Sometimes that drive to be richer, better,
smarter and thinner is rooted in an outworn pattern or belief. Sometimes
it is derived from our culture, which demands richer, better, smarter and
thinner. If the way you are living doesn’t line up with the real you,
the cost is measured in loss of joy and contentment. To be a full
participant in your own life you must come to grips with what is right for
you, and then exercise the courage to strip down to your real self.
Are You a Participant or a Spectator?
Now I’m not advocating a new millennium, flower child approach
to life, but I do want you to ask yourself the following questions:
- Do I feel I’m chasing after an unattainable goal?
- Do my relationships leave me feeling drained or energized?
- Do I laugh out loud several times a week?
- How real am I? Do I put on a “show” for people around me?
- Do I push myself even when I know it’s not good for me?
- Do I spend more than I should just to keep up appearances?
- Am I truly happy with my work and feel that it has a purpose?
- Am I energized by what I do or do I often feel drained?
- Do I make time to enjoy myself several times a week?
- Do my friends know who I am, what I want and what I expect of them?
- Do I care so much what others may think of me that it keeps me from
doing or saying what I know is right?
This is by no means an exhaustive list, but your honest answers will provide
some clues as to whether you are an authentic participant or merely a spectator
in your own life. Your answers should also help pinpoint your trouble spots.
Do you need to make some changes? Don’t worry, you can start with
small things first, perhaps making time for yourself or noticing how often
you laugh out loud. Then as your awareness of authenticity grows,
you’ll see how good it feels and you’ll want to do more.
As someone famously said, life is not a dress rehearsal. I would go a
step further and say you won’t get a second chance to be your real
self.
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