One
of my objectives out here has been to tune up my golf game. I played a
lot of golf as a teenager, but then child rearing and 35 years of hard-core
sailing left little time for golf. Now my interest has rekindled. Have
you ever left a sport for 35 years? I found out that golf is not like
climbing back on a bicycle. It is a humbling, exhilarating, frustrating
and rewarding game, and all that on just the first hole!
David, who has witnessed and shared these emotional excursions, pointed
out that Ben Hogan, one of the greatest golfers of all time, was a master
of concentration. When Ben hit a poor shot he simply let it go and made
sure he had completely forgotten about it by his next shot. He knew that
the tensions created by a negative attitude would cripple his entire game.
As anyone knows who plays this game, letting go of a bad shot is a tall
order. For one thing, a bad shot is usually accompanied by negative self-talk: “You
dummy! Can't you ever get it right? You are such a loser. Why are you
even out here?” After that verbal and mental self-flagellation, you stalk
off to your ball in such a negative state that the next shot is likely
to be even worse than the first.
Of course if you hit a great shot the opposite is true. Instead of beating
the ground with the club, you hold your follow-through and gaze dreamily
at the ball, all the while telling yourself how wonderful you are. Am
I right? This is great while it lasts, but then with the next flubbed
shot you are even more flummoxed, because you have begun to expect that
each shot will be as good as the last. In an instant you create an unrealistic
expectation.
One of my favorite authors, Dale Carnegie, advised his readers, in “How
to Stop Worrying and Start Living,” to live in “day-tight compartments.” This
is one of his prescriptions to eradicate worry, but I believe it applies
equally to expectations that limit us. Each golf shot is an event that
rests on its own merits. Likewise, each day or phase or event in our lives
rests on its own merits. It is when we attach expectations to the result
that we become frustrated and dismayed.
Dance With What Shows Up
Have you ever been in a situation where everything is going along well?
Your life is like a flood tide, and you can't believe your good fortune:
You love your job, you're salary is great, your kids are prospering, your
dog is finally house broken, and the Red Sox won the World Series. Before
long you get to thinking about how you've earned all this; you are after
all a pretty smart person, and you're entitled to this good life. Sure
you're grateful, but then you start to expect more and more. You get attached
to prosperity.
Here's the honest truth: nothing remains constant, and when you are
attached to things as they are, or must be, you will always be disappointed.
Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., in her wonderful book “Embracing Uncertainty,” says
the source of all unhappiness is our attachment to outcomes. If we realize
that there is no certainty, for anyone about anything, then we can let
go our grip on outcomes and learn to dance with what shows up. Returning
to my golf metaphor, if you can step up to the ball every time with the
intention of making your best shot, with no bias about what has gone before,
you will play your best game.
Let's say you've been on a losing streak. You were laid off six months
ago, your son wrecked your car, and your credit card debt is mounting.
Your self-talk may be sounding like this: “I am such a loser. I'll never
get out of debt. I can never seem to get it right.” That produces a tension
that will destroy your chances of moving on to better things. You get
attached to those negative beliefs, and as Ben Hogan knew, if you don't
let them go, you will cripple your whole game.
Remember, whether good or bad, nothing stays the same. Opportunity comes
along everyday, if only we can recognize it. The best way I know to miss
opportunity is clutch at outcomes. Every one of us has to let go at the
end of every day. As Dale Carnegie says, “ Shut the doors on the past
and the future. Live in day-tight compartments.”
We have to anticipate that life is fluid and opportunity is fluid, and
the only way to play the game well is to stay lose and ready for what
shows up.
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