About
a year ago I was copied on an email I wasn’t supposed to receive.
The sender accidentally hit “reply all” and I read unkind remarks
about myself. The sender and I had had never met. Indeed our only previous
connection was an amicable, two-minute phone conversation to set up a meeting
requested by her boss.
My ego was screaming about the unfairness of it all, but once I cooled
off I decided to use that incident as an integrity check. Now, before I
write or say something I try to ask myself, “Would I want this read
in an email?” If the answer is “no” I know that I am out
of integrity.
Integrity is a virtue that we take for granted, feeling that if we aren’t
out cheating, stealing and knocking off banks we surely have it. But in
truth I find that virtually everyone I coach benefits from a closer look
at how integrity, or lack thereof, impacts their lives.
Broadly speaking, you are in integrity when you have straight lines of
communication, with everyone. Put another way, you never say something about
someone that you wouldn’t say directly to them. Once you get into
the habit of visualizing those straight lines, or utilizing my email test,
you are operating from a personal standard that says you can be trusted.
People trust you when they know you are sincere, what you want and what
you expect of them.
Once you have put the integrity standard into place you will feel more
confident, knowing that others know exactly where you stand, and in return
you will receive increased respect. You are never too young to learn this
lesson, which will serve you in every situation. Letting others know
that you have set this standard may raise some eyebrows in the beginning,
but those who are worthy of your trust and friendship will soon appreciate
your honesty. Integrity will always put you in a leadership role, whether
you are in school, in the office or among peers.
Are You In Integrity With Yourself?
Being in integrity with your self is equally important to being in integrity
with others. You know that gnawing feeling when things don’t feel
right, when you know you are cheating on your self. Here are some examples:
- You eat the piece of chocolate cake, even though you’re on a
diet.
- You stay in a job that is damaging your personal life.
- You allow yourself to be a doormat to your family, boss or fellow employees.
- You say yes, when you really want to say no.
- You promise more than you can deliver.
- You tolerate rude behavior from others.
- You listen to and engage in gossip.
- You fail to take care of your body, letting your health deteriorate.
- You keep secrets that hurt your relationships.
There is no way around integrity. If you want to have a productive life,
where you reach your full potential, you need to be truthful with yourself
along with everyone else. That means that when you feel out of integrity,
you take whatever measures are necessary to make things right. Otherwise
the only person you are cheating is yourself and those who love you. As
the old saying goes, if you can't trust yourself who can you trust?
Often getting back into integrity means pushing back or changing patterns,
and that takes courage. In my experience it is fear is what keeps people
out of integrity. You may feel that if you say what you need, or take action
to correct a problem, you will lose your job, or your family will no longer
love or need you. The simple truth is that integrity strengthens relationships,
especially your relationship with your self.
When I talk about integrity in my workshops, someone will invariably ask
how it is possible to be honest with others without hurting them. When you
say what must be said with love, you demonstrate that you care and you honor
the relationship. That is kinder than pretending to condone destructive
behavior, thereby enabling it.
Right now, as you read this, ask yourself these two questions:
- What is the first step I will take to raise my integrity?
- Where am I most out of integrity with myself?
The rest is up to you. What are you going to do about it?
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