After
the parade, last July 4th, a large party at the home of friends lingers
in my mind. There was a brilliant blue sky. In the background the bay was
choppy with whitecaps. Boats sailed by showing their colors - red, white
and blue - in celebration of summer and the country’s birthday. On
the terrace a Dixieland band added to the joy. One song tore at my heart – "What
A Wonderful World." As I looked around at the other guests the party
seemed to go into freeze-frame. There were so many friends I had
known for over thirty years. What a comfort to share so much history! I’ve
witnessed their sorrows and triumphs and they’ve certainly seen my
ups and downs. Yet here we were, enjoying the day and plugging ahead together,
doing the best we know how.
Not everyone at that party was a close friend of course. It seems to me
there are various levels of friendship. Some become friends for a "season," perhaps
when their children are young, only to drift away as interests change. Other
friendships begin quickly but in the end are not as they seem. Some friends
give us great energy and joy, just by the association, while others drain
our energy and leave us feeling depleted. Some friends come forward during
a crisis, only to fade when we are back on our feet. Some friends rejoice
in our success, while others are unable to move along with us. Some friends
are social, some are intellectual, some are friends of convenience, and
a precious few stay with us throughout life. I once heard it said that we
are lucky if we have two or three close friends in a lifetime and if we
end up married to one of them it is a bonus.
What makes a friend?
Let’s assume then that most of us don’t have dozens of friends
with whom we entrust our innermost feelings. But we can expect to have a
wide circle of friends with whom we share recreation and family times as
well as the ups and downs of everyday life. Healthy friendships lead to
happy, productive living. So why do friendships create so many problems?
In my coaching practice and in my workshops I hear many stories from people
who have been hurt by friends and are still struggling with what went wrong.
I feel one reason for this angst is that we fall into the trap of feeling
we should befriend everyone we meet. We have been taught to love everyone,
but that doesn’t mean we need to allow everyone into our personal
space. This is an important distinction that many miss. Some need friends
so badly they’ll put up with almost anything to have them. The people
we allow into our personal space need to exhibit qualities and behaviors
that define healthy friendship. Needless to say the old adage "to have
a friend you must first be a friend" applies here. Both sides must
display these qualities in order to cultivate friendship.
Healthy Friendship Ingredients
- Respect - Friends respect you for your true self, warts and all. That
respect doesn’t depend upon externals. It has nothing to do with
what you earn or titles or prestige. A friend loves you just as you are.
- Integrity - A friend would never say anything about you that they wouldn’t
say to you. At the same time they don’t intentionally hurt you or
encourage you to do what isn’t in your best interest.
- Communication - A friend will tell you when something is wrong between
you, in order to clear up misunderstandings. A friend also has time for
you and responds in a timely and appropriate manner.
- Acceptance - A friend accepts that not everything about you is as they
might have it, and they learn to enjoy the differences between you.
- Values - A friend is someone with whom you share interests and beliefs
and is able to inspire you to explore new territory. A friend never asks
you to betray your values or to become someone other than your authentic
self.
- Forgiveness - A friend is able to let go of past differences.
- Trust - A friend knows your history, your strengths and your weaknesses,
and allows you the freedom to be your own person.
If you are having trouble with the friendships in your life, I encourage
you to review that list. Ask yourself two questions: Do the people you call
friends display those qualities? Do you display those qualities with your
friends? If you answered no to either or both questions, you need to do
some spring housecleaning.
The Spring Housecleaning Challenge
First, take all of those friendship qualities and behaviors and practice
them rigorously with the people you call friends. Practice them with no
expectation of reward except to be a friend, and then see what happens.
It may not be easy, especially if you have a great deal of unfinished business,
but that’s your first housecleaning assignment. Try it for thirty
days and see what happens.
Second, after thirty days, if your friendships haven’t begun to
turn around, it’s time for the second part of housecleaning – start
scrubbing. The scrubbing process also begins with you. Take your power back! Stop
wasting negative energy on "friendships" that don’t work.
Scrubbing (taking your power back) doesn’t mean angry confrontations,
but it does mean that you decide to relegate unhealthy friendships to the
back seat, where they no longer interfere with your ability to be content.
Decide to get clear of past incidents that mar your peace of mind, and
begin to put some quality into your life. You deserve it! Decide to adopt
all those behaviors and qualities that define friendship. When you do you’ll
find you’ve strengthened your healthy friendships and made room to
cultivate new ones.
Try this and let me know about the wonderful people who show up in your
life.
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by popular demand, the Attract What Is Good In 2006 is continuing in April.
There are a few openings for those who want to learn how to break the patterns
that are keeping them from being the person they were created to be. You’ll
learn to manage your own life by dealing with self-limiting beliefs and
life’s changes. You’ll come to recognize your own potential.
If relationships and personal boundaries are a problem, you’ll get
feedback and tools to get on track. This workshop is geared to the needs
of its members.