"Will you be satisfied with the fruit
of your life's work? Will the efforts you are making now bring
you satisfaction when the things of time are receding, and eternity
looms ahead?" – Raymond L. Cox
When
is Enough, Enough?
During a wintry walk on the beach, after a high tide, I heard
a gull shrieking. Then I saw why – he was trying to keep a dead codfish
all to himself. In a matter of moments more gulls appeared, flying
over the lone gull in noisy protest. Before long dozens of gulls were
circling and pecking at the lone gull who flapped and circled and pecked
back. Finally, in a desperate attempt to keep its prize, the gull snatched
the cod in its beak and attempted to fly away. The fish was too heavy
though; the gull could barely lift off, and soon the fish fell back
to the beach with a soft plop. The other gulls moved in and devoured
the prize, one bite at a time.
That gull started me wondering, when is enough, enough? In these
days of conspicuous consumption we can feel like that gull on the beach,
stretched beyond endurance trying to have it all, or at least appearing
to. What is the mind-set that requires ever more material reward -
bigger houses, bigger cars, more money, more perks, more of everything
that implies material success? When did we become so insecure that
we need these flagrant signs of our worth?
The problem with this insatiable need to acquire is that you can
begin to feel like a failure when you don't have all the perks. I know
people with four or five homes. What's up with that? I also know people,
and I'm sure you do too, who make great sacrifices in order to keep
up appearances. I've seen highly intelligent, talented people working
in careers where potential income is high, but whose values and interests
lie elsewhere. The need to be “successful” is sometimes greater than
the need to be content. Sure we need to pay the bills, but keeping
a balanced view of what aligns with our values as opposed to obsessively
competing in a no-win race is crucial to living a satisfying life.
The Survivor Mentality
Which came first, the survivor mentality or the TV shows that
are symptomatic of our times? Personally I'm sick of seeing Donald
Trump fire hardworking, capable people, as though there can be only
one winner. I'm sick to death of seeing people eating worms and fighting
snakes in order to be the one Survivor. And I'm even more sickened
by hearing evidence of corporate greed that allows a few to wallow
in unprecedented wealth at the expense of honest, hardworking people.
Little wonder there is a frantic need to get on top and stay there.
But where does that leave everyone else? Must we live in a shark pool
of competition? Is that why we are so anxious to demonstrate our success?
Certainly keeping up with the Jones' is nothing new, but what is
troubling is the way in which competition colors our culture. This
competition has seeped into our neighborhoods, where huge homes dominate
the landscape. It has seeped into the countryside, where big box stores,
selling bigger and bigger appliances, are built every few miles. It
has seeped into our parking lots, where humongous SUVs dominate. It
has seeped into our schools, right down to the kids' sneakers.
When the need to keep up with people down the street takes hold,
we run the risk of being dishonest with ourselves and of cheating our
families out of the best we have to offer – our truest selves. Worse
yet, we teach our children that having the biggest house and the best
car is what truly matters. We teach them that the only success worth
having is finishing first, and that nothing in between, the daily steps
along the way, matters. Put another way, we run the risk of teaching
our children that it isn't how we live but material reward that matters
most.
What is Success?
We need to take a hard look at that word – success. When I
stop to analyze my feelings about the survivor mentality, I think what
bothers me most is the idea that there can be only one winner. We are
operating from a scarcity model, as though there isn't enough success
out there to go around. No two people define success in the same way.
Much depends upon our upbringing and the values and needs that we bring
to bear. This would be a good time to step back from the survivor mentality
and to decide as individuals what we truly think. After all we Americans
have a strong streak of independence.
Here's your chance to decide what you think about success:
- How do you define success?
- What criteria do you use for its measure?
- When will you know you are successful?
- What did you learn about success from the important adults in your
childhood?
Here is an exercise to help you with your thinking:
- Make a list of 4-5 people that you feel are or were successful.
- For each person write the attributes that you feel make them successful.
- When you have finished, analyze the commonality of your responses.
This will give you a good understanding of your definition of success.
Here are a few more questions:
- What have you discovered by going through the questions above?
- Is your view of success what you had imagined?
- Would you like to redefine your definition of success?
- What would you like to teach your children about success?
"To live only for some future goal is
shallow. It's the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the
top."– Robert M. Pirsig
I believe that Mr. Pirsig makes a most important point. It's not
the prize that counts; it's the way we live the journey, day in and
day out. In my classes I like to tell this story: I know a woman, Evelyn,
who felt she needed a fortune in order to be successful. She had learned
that value as a little girl. For years she and her husband struggled
in a business that was modestly successful, but not enough for my friend.
One day a very large order pushed the business to another level, one
that lead to a great fortune. The next year Evelyn's husband died unexpectedly,
and there she sat with all that money, but her best friend was gone.
In one crushing moment Evelyn realized that she had missed the best
time in her life, the sides of the mountain that Pirsig describes.
Don't let that happen to you. Don't be like that gull on the beach
that had to have it all. Don't become so exhausted with trying to have
it all that you lose the richest, most important days of your life.
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