Each New Year represents a fork in the road, a potential turning point.
We can choose either to move into the future on autopilot, following the
same old road maps, or we can decide to loosen our grip on the patterns
that keep us stuck.
A few nights before Christmas, during a family outing to an amusement
park, my daughter-in-law mentioned a particularly harrowing rollercoaster
ride some years earlier. When she closed her eyes, she said, she was able
to let go of her fear and, to her surprise, the sensation of being carried
along without resisting made the ride a soothing experience. That got me
thinking: It’s not the ride itself that we fear, but the anticipation
of what may happen to us that keeps us clutching and frozen in place.
In life we clutch at old road maps. Each of us has one, made up of many
influences including beliefs we learned from our parents, adaptations we’ve
made over time, the need to be right, the need to control, the need to be
safe, etc. Each road map is a unique composite of life experiences. I’m
willing to bet your road map doesn’t always lead to where you want
to go.
If you unfold a real map you’ll see Interstate highways, typically
the shortest distance between two points. Think of your own old road map
as that Interstate highway, one you automatically turn to, but one that
isn’t always satisfying. It is simply the most expedient, the one
you default to when you think of making changes. In all likelihood your
old road map is boring and exasperating and holds you back more than you
think.
What Are Your Old Patterns?
Each New Year we think of making changes. This year will be different
we tell ourselves, and yet just a week or two into the New Year we find
ourselves back in the same old patterns. Why?
I believe it is fear that holds us back, fear of letting go of the old
beliefs and patterns, fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of success that
keeps us from being able to close our eyes and go along for the ride. Life
may not be as we would have it, but down deep inside we hear a little voice
that says, “I need to keep what I already have pinned down.”
The first step in letting go of old patterns is to recognize them. Below
is an exercise that should help you to recognize what you resist. Try this
for one day and see what you learn about yourself.
Just for one day note the following:
- What am I resisting?
- How often do I need to be right?
- What results do I hold onto that can just as easily be let go?
- What is the struggle all about, and how important is it?
- How often do I assume the worst?
- What habitual reactions do I have in my relationships?
- What is the default setting for my attitude?
- What scares me?
- What motivates me?
I am willing to bet that if you answer those questions honestly for just
one day you’ll be well on your way to discovering the patterns that
hold you back.
Get Curious About Your Life
The best way I know to break old patterns, once you’ve recognized
them, is to step outside of yourself and become an observer of your own
life. Many of my clients enjoy this exercise: Project your life to
this point on a mental movie screen, and then begin to wonder and write
the script for how you, as your own hero or heroine, will triumph in the
end. This is particularly helpful when faced with ethical and career decisions,
but it also helps you see what you value and what you need to do in order
to honor those values.
One of my favorite authors, Dr. Susan Jeffers, in her book Embracing
Uncertainty says, “More and more I am learning to like the adventure
of not-knowing…Wondering helps us drop our need for control of the
uncontrollable, thus setting us free. It cleans the slate for the future
and relieves us of much anxiety.”
That brings us back to the rollercoaster that is your life. If one by
one you identify the patterns of your old road map, what you must control,
what you resist, what you fear most, etc, you will be in a position to ride
that rollercoaster with a sense of awe and wonder. And in that state
of going along for the ride of your life, you will discover joys and opportunities
you could never have imagined.
I hope you’ll get curious and go along for the ride!
Back To Top
Sated
with Christmas cookies I sit at my window pondering the year ahead. We
all have our hopes and dreams, but I’ve come to understand that living
in a sense of wonder is much more rewarding than living in a state of wanting.
Letting go of the need to control the future is the ultimate freedom, opening
doors of opportunity and joy and adventure. With practice I’m learning
to enjoy the ride of my life. I hope you’ll join me for your own
ride.